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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 06:56 PM Thread Starter
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Chuck Norris, man or god?

29 LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS


Take note...



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead

:laugh

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 07:00 PM
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 07:14 PM
 
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 07:21 PM
 
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And this is posted in bike discussion why? :
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 07:33 PM
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moved. Thanks Rinn



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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 07:41 PM
 
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 08:20 PM
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:1poke :1poke


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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 08:21 PM
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must be worst joke Saturday :


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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 08:45 PM
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:ghey


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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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you guys are just jealous you're not chuck norris :

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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 11:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by R1LOVER
moved. Thanks Rinn

huh?



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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 12:24 AM
 
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by R1LOVER
moved. Thanks Rinn

huh?
I agree. now I am even more
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 02:30 AM
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This is the stupidest thing I've read all day....


























i can't believe I laughed at over half of them... :laugh :


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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 03:46 AM
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I went out to dinner with the guy while I was in Huntington Beach, one of my old boss's used to hang out with him . . . the guys a jerk

he wasn't even as entertaining as another of my old boss's hollyweird friends . . . "Mr. T", yes we went out to dinner one night with him too :thumbdown


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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 04:35 AM
 
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 07:23 AM
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Vin Diesel > Chuck Norris

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 07:41 AM
 
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ghead X 2 = ghead ghead
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 09:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 04R1Belgium
ghead X 2 = ghead ghead
World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, 04R1Belgium ate Kobayashi.

04R1Belgium's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

04R1Belgium is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

04R1Belgium once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

04R1Belgium invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to 04R1Belgium."

04R1Belgium knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because 04R1Belgium is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young 04R1Belgium is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of 04R1Belgium to come for him.

04R1Belgium defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because 04R1Belgium loves you
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