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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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ahahahahah

Don't Fart in Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 01:58 PM
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Buahahahahahahhaha :laugh :laugh

But ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Anyway, that's a mix of Belgium (for farting ) some years from now, and Val (for putting the turkey up his :ghey )
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 02:25 PM
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lol soooooooo gross but i saw that one coming


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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 03:02 PM
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ROFLMAO!!! :laugh :laugh :laugh
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 04:07 PM
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hahahahahahaahahahahahahaha...... :laugh

:gun ......I touch myself

"To dare is to dream. To fear is to fail. Live life in the now, for tomorrow may never come."
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 04:17 PM
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 05:57 PM
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:laugh :laugh :laugh


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Over 15,000 miles on my '05 Honda F4i and the proud owner of an 04 R1
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 05:59 PM
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 06:04 PM
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:1poke

Pretty gross!

Quote:
If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 06:11 PM
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ROFLMAO.... that's nasty... LOL



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"I don't like your jerk off name, I don't like your jerk off face, I don't like your jerk off behavior, and I don't like you...... jerk off!"
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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-17-2005, 08:17 PM
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Nasty!!!
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:14 AM Thread Starter
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Subject: Little Billy

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"
> >>
> >>
>
because nice matters!!!
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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:laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:19 AM Thread Starter
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I know that I have heard some of these, how about you???





> > Subject: DIRTY THINGS YOU CAN SAY AT THANKSGIVING AND GET AWAY WITH

> >

> >

> > DIRTY THINGS YOU CAN SAY AT THANKSGIVING AND GET AWAY WITH

> >

> > 1. Talk about a huge breast!

> >

> > 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

> >

> > 3. It's Cool Whip time!

> >

> > 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

> >

> > 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

> >

> > 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

> >

> > 7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

> >

> > 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

> >

> > 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

> >

> > 10. Don't play with your meat.

> >

> > 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

> >

> > 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these

people at

> > once?

> >

> > 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

> >

> > 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

> >

> > 15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

> >

> > 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

> >

> > 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

> >

> > 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

> >

> > 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:20 AM Thread Starter
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This one had me in tears I was laughing so hard


How to Give Your Cat a Pill



1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummell figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down cat's throat through drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Remove last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat's mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have cute puppy for sale
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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:20 AM Thread Starter
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Holy Soap
>
>
> Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
> They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is
no
> soap.
> Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering
> to dress.
> He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the
showers.
> He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
> Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's
a
> statue.
> The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
> The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
> Startled, he drops a bar of soap
> "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
> To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure
enough
> he
> drops the second bar of soap.
> Now the third nun decides to have a go.
> She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
> So she gives several more tugs, then yells,
> "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"
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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:23 AM Thread Starter
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is thestandard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions,the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:25 AM Thread Starter
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.


"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"


"My husband Love's me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law thought that she should leave before he arrives home,
so she left quickly.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,

dimmed the lights, put a romantic CD on the stereo, and laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"It needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:32 AM Thread Starter
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be careful at work with this one...contains some language





http://media.putfile.com/yesyesyes83
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 11-18-2005, 12:34 AM Thread Starter
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some of these are oh-so-true!!







ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are
a lot more willing to die.
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