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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2006, 07:55 AM Thread Starter
Old and fast...
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Chili Cook Off


For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park. Judge #3 was an experienced Chili Taster, named Frank ,
who was visiting from Springfield, Il.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call had come in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that Spicy and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the Scorecard Notes from the event:

Chili #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI . . . . .

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy toledo, what the ---- is this stuff ? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out . . . I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy !


Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

Judge #3 - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain ! I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver -
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face !!


Judge #1 - Excellent, firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2 - A bit salty - good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
Barmaid pounded me on the back - now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
the beer !

Chili #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC . . . .

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300 pound woman is starting to look HOT -
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating ! Is chili an
aphrodisiac ?

Chili # - LISA'S LIGAL LIP REMOVER . . . . .

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground -
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili, using shredded beef - could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a Strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing ! Sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her Chili is giving me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher ! I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off ?! It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming ! ##### those rednecks !!!!


Judge #1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best Yet ! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe, filled with gaseous
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair ! No one seems
inclined to stand behind me !!


Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho Hum - tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.

Take note that I am worried about Judge #3 - he appears
to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably - -

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing ! I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least,
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's toooo painful ! Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway - if I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4" hole in my stomach !


Judge #1- The perfect ending - this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its' existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself !
Not sure if he's going to make it ! Poor fellow, wonder
how he'd have reacted to Really Hot chili ??

Judge #3 - No report . . . . . .

'11 Green Kawi ZX-10R ABS
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2006, 08:28 AM
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:laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh

Shit, i actually read it all........

Anyway...... Judge #3 might be Belgium
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2006, 10:14 AM
Ta Moko
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:corn Cliff notes

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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2006, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by MV-999R
:laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh

Shit, i actually read it all........

Anyway...... Judge #3 might be Belgium
Nah....Alex would never admit to drinking Coors!

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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2006, 01:46 PM
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:laugh I read it all also. :laugh
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-13-2006, 01:03 AM
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Originally Posted by eveR1ast
Nah....Alex would never admit to drinking Coors!
Coors light is like making love in a rowboat...It's fucking close to water :

I seriously LMAO reading all that. :laugh

Besides, with me it's onions, not peppers :

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