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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 02:24 PM Thread Starter
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Shaving Butt Hair

Got this from another forum but here it goes:

Shave That Butt Hair!!!


I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 02:31 PM
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Lmao.......................



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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 03:19 PM
 
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HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Long but funny as hell. Besides, I use nair for that!
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 05:45 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 04stangman
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Long but funny as hell. Besides, I use nair for that!
+1
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 05:52 PM
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I don't have ass hair.......never did. I have a 10 year old boy ass.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 05:53 PM
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And don't make any smartass remarks like "How would you know what a 10 year old boys ass looks like" You know what I mean.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 08:04 PM
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how would you know haha
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 08:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snair
how would you know haha
Good question my bro.....:imwst
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 09:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 04stangman
Good question my bro.....:imwst
Good question MY BRO?

LMAO............
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2006, 10:43 PM
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BWHAHAHAHAHAHA :laugh
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 01:53 PM
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bwhahahahahhahahahahahahaha; oamg omfgg that's GREAT


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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 03:00 PM
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LMFAO!!!! :laugh :laugh :laugh


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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 05:22 PM
 
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:laugh :laugh :laugh

This must be a guy only problem!!!
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-06-2006, 05:51 AM
 
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LMAO... that was great.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-06-2006, 08:19 AM
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that's a funny one ..but I still like Angel's story better!:laugh
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