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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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Talking Some quick ones........JOKES..!!!!

:

A little boy is in the bathtub and is examining his testicles.He asked his mother if those were his brains, her answer was " Not Yet".

__________________________________________________ _

Do you know why PMS is called PMS?. Mad Cow Disease was taken.
__________________________________________________ _

Helga got a new tattoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh, Olaf says when you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean.

__________________________________________________ _
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it to find a brand new bathroom scale...
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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 09:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Warp Racer View Post
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it to find a brand new bathroom scale...
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¤ più forte non si può . WLF viva la figa
¤ In 2006 I lost because of bad luck; I still won the most races and was the fastest on track for most of the time... Last year I was sorry that
after so many successful years, some people thought Valentino was finished and Casey was the new Valentino. ~ The Doctor '08
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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 09:51 PM
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LOL those are funny Warp. Does Joy know how naughty you are on here?


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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
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LOL those are funny Warp. Does Joy know how naughty you are on here?
No bro, well apart from that she knows how you and I met up in MM

Spoiler:
Does Pond know about yours bro


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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 10:15 PM
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Here is a joke that was told by a Grandpa to his 10 year old Grandson.

Grandpa: Can I tell you a story?

Grandson: Sure Grandpa

Grandpa: One day there was this dog running around like a dog's do, he was running aound near the RR tracks and he got his tail cought in the tracks........ he tried to pull it loose and had no luck..... just then he heard a train coming... oh shit..... he then tried to bite at his tail and pull it loose but it didn't work.



The dog was hit in the head by the train and died....

Grandson: So grandpa what was the point if this story?


Spoiler:
Grandpa: NEVER LET A LITTLE TAIL MESS WITH YOUR HEAD.




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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 11:01 PM
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all she knows is the checks keep arriving.

thats all she needs to know. haha jk. yeah she knows I'm pretty naughty.


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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 09-20-2006, 11:04 PM Thread Starter
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all she knows is the checks keep arriving.

thats all she needs to know. haha jk. yeah she knows I'm pretty naughty.

Joy knows I'm no Shirley Temple...as long as I keep it in my pants, apart from when she orders it out


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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-19-2006, 07:33 PM Thread Starter
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Talking

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, this is my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."



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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-19-2006, 09:47 PM
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the mad cow one rocks! hahahahahahah


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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-20-2006, 08:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Warp Racer View Post
:

A little boy is in the bathtub and is examining his testicles.He asked his mother if those were his brains, her answer was " Not Yet".


Helga got a new tattoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh, Olaf says when you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean.




BTW what«s a bathroom scale?
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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-20-2006, 02:32 PM
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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-20-2006, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by MV-999R View Post



BTW what«s a bathroom scale?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bathroom + http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weighing_scale


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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-21-2006, 02:11 AM
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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-24-2006, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Talking This joke sucks so bad but...............

I'll do this right now


The Power of Beer


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.



After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.



Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"



The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.



The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.



By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.



The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.



The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*


*


(Wait for it)



(Take a deep breath)















"He should've quit while he was a head!"






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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-25-2006, 02:18 AM Thread Starter
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Talking Good recovery from a bad stoppie....

:jimmie :
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post #16 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-26-2006, 07:59 PM Thread Starter
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Thumbs up Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper

:r1budha


I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in Torry, Aberdeen and one of my sisters, is married to a guy from England. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for dealing crack cocaine and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Peterhead Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Craiginches on-remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel; however, her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English?


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post #17 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-27-2006, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."



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post #18 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-27-2006, 08:52 PM
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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Quote:
If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #19 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-27-2006, 08:54 PM
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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost so she lowers her altitude and spots a man in a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground, elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.

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If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #20 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-27-2006, 08:57 PM
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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Quote:
If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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