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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
 
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Never have anal sex after a fish dinner.

Never have anal sex after a fish dinner.



Most people contract some form of food poisoning at least once a year. Most of the time the symptoms are mild, and can even be mistaken for a 24 hour flu bug. Other times, the symptoms are similar to one having a very bad case of the flu, but rarely do people ever need to go to the hospital for food poisoning. Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.



We hadn’t been dating that long, only about a month. Even though we'd only been dating a short time, we were having sex since the second date, and it was the best, freakiest, porno-style sex of my life. Seriously, this was the kind of sex that every man, deep down, dreams about having at least once in his life. It was the kind of sex that I had wished for ever since my voice started changing. It was with this woman, and only with this woman, that I was ever addressed with the phrase, “Use your whole fist for Christ’s sake.”



On one now infamous date night, we were enjoying a romantic dinner at an upscale seafood restaurant. Through the entire meal, however, sex was all that was on our minds. In retrospect, every date we ever went on seemed to just be a temporary diversion from the best part of the night, which involved animalistic insertions, feral lickings and brazen misuse of food products. We emptied wine bottle after wine bottle over the course of the dinner, and by the time the main course arrived, fish for her and lobster for me, she slipped off her shoes and casually masturbated me under the table with her stocking covered feet. Completely plastered and horny by the end of the meal, we decided to skip dessert in the restaurant because a much sweeter dessert “was being prepared in her hot, wet crotch,” she said.



I paid the bill and narrowly avoided getting a speeding ticket, not to mention a DUI, during the drive back to my place. By the time we got into my apartment, we were tearing each other’s clothes off. Sloppy in our drunkenness, we knocked over two lamps during our horny, groping journey into the bedroom. Once in the bed, she got down on all fours, arched her back, and presented her delicious ass to me. I grunted my approval while aiming my rock-hard duck missile at her hairy silo. When the head of my duck began to penetrate her lips, she stopped me. “No. In my ass,” she hissed at me, sounding both horny and angry at the same time. “Are you sure,” I asked? She giggled as she said, “If I could handle last night. . .” Oh yeah, I thought. Last night’s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower.



What the hell was I thinking? Of course she could handle some anal-action. She reached between her legs and began lubing up her a-hole with her own pupussa juices. Where did I find this girl? I thought. I was in horn-dog heaven. Blessed. Not being an expert in anal intrusion, I slowly eased my way into her lovely stink-star. First the head, then a quarter of the shaft, and soon I was buried to the hilt between her ass-cheeks. “Go slowly,” she said, half moaning, half panting in both pleasure and pain, I think. I did as she bid, and very slowly began pulling out, like a steam piston on an old locomotive beginning its first run in a century. Almost all the way out of her, but keeping the head firmly planted in her ass-iris, I slowly began inserting again. “Yeeeeees!” she moaned and began diddling her clyt. Soon she said, “Faster.” So faster I went, the tempo increasing until the train was running at full speed, the piston pumping in and out so fast my duck became a complete blur, her hand rubbing her *** like she was trying to start a friction-fire in her pupussa.



“Gnnnnnnnah!” she screamed. Thinking she was close to orgasm, I pumped that ass even faster, faster than Amish meth-head churns butter. “Gnnnnnahstoooop,” she screamed, or something like this, because the noise in my head was drowning out the reality around me, for in my head I heard a steam locomotive, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-Woo-Woo! Barreling down the tracks, and somehow I pumped even faster. “YES!” I screamed. She started reaching behind her and flailing on the bed in what I thought was ecstasy— “—Stop!” she screamed, able to finally get out the word I had mistaken for groans of ecstasy moments ago. She screamed this with such volume and guttural, primal force that it had the effect of pulling the emergency brake on a 100,000 pound locomotive running at full speed.



The sex act squealed to a halt, and I pulled my duck out of her ass like the rip-cord on a parachute. Did someone order champagne? No, that popping noise was my duck coming out of her ass. “Arrrrrrgh!” She screamed, as I yanked my duck free. And then it happened. Immediately after my duck popped out, I was sprayed from belly to thighs with watery, fish-smelling diarrhea. “What the—-?” I said, not able to get the word ‘fawk’ out of my mouth because of my shock at the brown funk lining my body. As she sprayed me, she seemed to be propelled forward by the force of the jet-propelled diarrhea, and she collapsed onto her stomach. “Oh. My. Fawking. God.” I murmured, completely shell-shocked.



Everything was still. I could hear my wind-up alarm clock ticking on my dresser. I stared at my shyt-covered body. I surveyed the room to see if there was any collateral damage. The trajectory of the diarrhea spray was similar to buck-shot in a sawed-off shotgun; it was everywhere. Unfortunately, during the sex act she had been facing the feet-side of the bed, which meant that the headboard, my bedside table and lamp had poop on them as well. Even my bedside clock had a few speckles staining its face. The bed sheets: Killed in Action. A total loss. I looked at my date, lying there motionless. I called her name. No response. I called her name while shaking her a bit. Nothing. Fear shot through me, as I thought, “Oh my god, what if she’s dead?” But this fear quickly dissipated when I heard her snoring. She was passed out from the wine.



I on the other hand was no longer blasted drunk, because the blast from her ass rendered me completely sober. This night was definitely going down in the (ahem) annals as the all time worst date of my life. In fact, I had to invent a new special category, “Even the Devil would feel sympathetic,” to describe this night. I cleaned up. I cleaned her up. I cleaned the headboard, the dresser, the lamp and the clock. With some manipulation of her passed out body, I was able to wrangle the sheets from the bed and throw them down the garbage chute. By two in the morning, I found myself lying on my couch, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. I don’t remember passing out myself, but I can say that unconsciousness didn’t come soon enough.



“It was food poisoning,” her voicemail message explained to me the next day. After some silence, she added, “The fish.” More silence. “Sorry.” She left this message the following day, around 2:00 p.m. I had slept until Noon, and, thank God, she was gone when I woke up. How do you face that? She never called me again. I never called her.



I definitely learned two valuable lessons that night: 1) Never have anal sex after a sea food dinner. 2) Be careful what you wish for. There’s only one other experience in my life that entered into the “Even the Devil would feel sympathetic” category, and frankly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell that story. Let’s just say that the morning after a great one-night-stand, the beautiful woman you banged the night before can certainly use your bathroom. but she shouldn’t be more comfortable standing up while she pees.

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 09:43 AM
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about you doc?

Vale anything to add???


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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 09:46 AM
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So Pat an Pinky came from Vegas already? :
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
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about you doc?

Vale anything to add???

it was posted on another forum. Originally posted on craiglist. Personally I haven't been so lucky to have the oppurtunity to piitb.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 11:21 AM
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Quote:
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it was posted by me on another forum. Originally posted on craiglist. Personally I have been so lucky to have the oppurtunity to piitb.


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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 04:17 PM
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My ex likes it in the pooper. Ofcourse she didn't discover this untill after we broke up. Now we're tight again, but no hanky panky.

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If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 04:25 PM
 
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Im stealing that
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 04:28 PM
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Hummm, I had my fingers up in this bitch one time..... Then she blew chunks out the side of my car(she was wasted) right into my friends face that was in the back seat! Makes me laugh everytime I think about it
But getting blasted with crapp........ What a mess that would be!!!

And yes I kissed her after she blew chunks, but I don't think I would lick her ass after she blasted crapp all over............
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 05:17 PM
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 06:23 PM
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ciffnotes?


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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 06:27 PM
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ciffnotes?

I just read the posts so i take it they did anal and she shit from the bad fish she ate.. i guess



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"I don't like your jerk off name, I don't like your jerk off face, I don't like your jerk off behavior, and I don't like you...... jerk off!"
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 06:32 PM
 
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Biga... what fish did you eat?


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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 08:12 PM
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Biga... what fish did you eat?
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 08:20 PM
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all chicks like it in the ass but dont know it yet.

So note to self not to do the wife when she had eaten fish. :LOL

also it can be good for both partners but the shit schrapnel has got to go.

Not all chicks will shit on your head board and everything else in the room....just remember that.


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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 10:36 PM
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It was raw fish, but I swear it tasted like chicken.



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Biga... what fish did you eat?







Hey Vale is that brown mustache real???


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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 09-30-2006, 11:18 PM
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i'd have paid extra for the fecal hosing

prejudices are what fools use for reason
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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-02-2006, 01:44 PM
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It's true that we do.... sometimes. Not all the time.

And no we're not back from Vegas
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