Taste: How the hell should we know? This is nonalcoholic beer.
Drunk: This drunk is a lot like being sober. In fact…hey, wait a minute.
Hangover: This is number 10—and not number one—on the list because it gives you the best hangover in the world. No vomiting, no headaches and no shakes. It's almost like you didn't get drunk at all.
9. Stella Artois
Taste: Two words: horse cock.*
Drunk: What's very irritating about Stella Artois is that it markets itself as a high-end Belgium lager when in actuality it's just a European version of Keystone. That this is the most popular beer on the U.K. market says a lot about what the English will put in their mouths (hint: anything but a toothbrush).*
Hangover: Like a good Brit, you'll be using the word bloody a lot. Sadly, you'll be talking about your stool.
8. Molson XXX
Taste: The next time a Canadian is talking shit about American beer, bring this up. The 7.3 percent alcohol content isn't nearly enough to mask the harsh aftertaste of corn, malt and balls.*
Drunk: You'll be talking like a Canadian, but with more of a speech impediment.*
Hangover: For some reason, it'll burn when you masturbate.
Taste: Thankfully, we've never had any bush that's tasted like this.*
Drunk: You'll have an intense desire to cut the sleeves off your flannel shirt, forget 90 percent of your vocabulary and vomit.*
Hangover: Your colon will be doing a really, really good impersonation of the Hindenburg disaster.
6. Keystone Ice
Taste: The "specially lined" cans were apparently lined with "monkey jizz."*
Drunk: This brew is aimed at college kids, so after a 12-pack, you'll be skipping class and tappin' ass…until you realize you graduated three years ago. Then you'll just be a loser.*
Hangover: You'll probably want to sleep this one off. In a coffin.
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon
Taste: Hipsters everywhere swear by this beer, because snotty rich kids feel like they have street cred if they embrace the worst shit in the world.
Drunk: Pretty tame, but be careful. After draining 12 of these, we won a blue ribbon for being the "Loudest Shit-Faced," which, to be honest, is an award we don't even understand.*
Hangover: You'll feel like you have cancer…and AIDS…and leukemia…and Ebola…and a hangnail…
4. Natural Light
Taste: It's almost as if someone bottled the sadness of all the terminally ill children in the world. Which is impressive.*
Drunk: The only possible way to enjoy this beer is to steal some from your trailer park dad who just passed out after huffing too much glue. (Please don't laugh at our childhood.)*
Hangover: To put it a nice way, you'll feel like you're sharting glass.
Taste: We're guessing it's somewhere between menstruation and placenta. (We haven't had either, so this is purely speculative.)*
Drunk: Some beer nerds might say this is a tequila and beer "hybrid" and not a true "beer." That's why they're called "beer nerds" and Tequiza is called "beer."*
Hangover: Normally, one catheter is enough. Tequiza, though, requires two.
2. Michelob Ultra
Taste: Taint the ass, taint the pussy. So, it must be the taint.*
Drunk: You're supposed to work out or something while you drink this. We had a sixer, did four push-ups and blew out a kidney. So be careful.*
Hangover: Have you ever puked out your shithole? If not, you will.
Taste: If this tastes like Mexico, then someone just took a huge dump in Mexico.*
Drunk: Put the bail money in your sock, 'cause your blackout will start after the first sip.
Hangover: Remember the time you went to Mexico and got a horrible case of the exploding shits? Well, multiply that by a thousand, add in a torn rectum, a sex change (without anesthetic), some clinical depression and probably a headache, and you'll spend the entire following day swearing off Tecate…until happy hour.