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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-14-2007, 09:14 PM Thread Starter
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety....



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the

button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with his new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it Master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.



I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall wak ing up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"



Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, on note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.



My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.



P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid


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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-14-2007, 09:21 PM
 
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laugh:laugh

That's toooooooo funny! Somebody send Val one!!
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-14-2007, 09:28 PM
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I can see an honorary Darwin award be handed out in the near future


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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 06:29 AM
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:r1budha:r1budha:r1budha:r1budha

But still funny!


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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 06:34 AM
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 08:16 AM
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My sister bought one of those and tried to convince me to let her test it on me. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL NO!

I'm not dumb
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by RiderChick View Post
My sister bought one of those and tried to convince me to let her test it on me. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL NO!

I'm not dumb
hate to say it, but I'm stupid/chivalrous (yes, they do mean the same thing) enough to let my gf test one on me if she wanted to. Mostly 'cause if it didn't work when she needed it to, i'd feel like shit.

HAIL TO THE KING!!

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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 10:15 AM
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hate to say it, but I'm stupid/chivalrous (yes, they do mean the same thing) enough to let my gf test one on me if she wanted to. Mostly 'cause if it didn't work when she needed it to, i'd feel like shit.
Just test it on a cat.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 10:18 AM
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it'd likely kill the cat!

and don't even think to say "well try it on the dog then." I'll take a tazer hit to avoid the dog getting one.

HAIL TO THE KING!!

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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 10:46 AM
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Quote:
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it'd likely kill the cat!

and don't even think to say "well try it on the dog then." I'll take a tazer hit to avoid the dog getting one.
I like dogs better than cats, so I wouldn't have said try it on a dog lol...know what would be funny?

Test it on a cow. If if can bring that sucker down she's good to go!
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 12:54 PM
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if a cow goes down, it won't be getting back up tho.

HAIL TO THE KING!!

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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 12:55 PM
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if a cow goes down, it won't be getting back up tho.
That's when you chop the bitch up and eat him :
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 12:58 PM
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ahhhhhhhh i see.

that's a shitty way to put a cow out of commission, but if it leads to steaks. I'm there.

HAIL TO THE KING!!

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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiderChick View Post
I like dogs better than cats, so I wouldn't have said try it on a dog lol...know what would be funny?

Test it on a cow. If if can bring that sucker down she's good to go!

Hmmm interesting point, I used to call my ex-wife 'a cow'.......


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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 07:08 PM
 
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Hmmm interesting point, I used to call my ex-wife 'a cow'.......
So that's Saint's nickname?
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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-15-2007, 11:51 PM
 
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Holy crap that was a good laugh. I needed one of those. Good Post
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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-16-2007, 12:42 AM
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looooooooooooooooooong but funny Larry!


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