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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-28-2008, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
The answer? Simple: 42
 
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Don't shave...

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel.

Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair -ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!
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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-28-2008, 07:12 PM
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-28-2008, 08:18 PM
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omg that is freaking funny!
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-28-2008, 09:33 PM
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nasty
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-29-2008, 04:04 AM
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funny and educational all at the same time, thanks
seriously the starfish comment had me rolling on the floor.

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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-29-2008, 07:15 AM
 
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Sitting in the London Heathrow lounge now laughing out loud with everyone asking themselves what's wrong with me

OMG that's funny stuff.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-29-2008, 08:21 AM
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jesus that was funny
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-29-2008, 01:20 PM
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I use Wahl clippers. Leaves it just long enough to keep the slide from happening.

I'm hairy, so what?

Quote:
If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-29-2008, 06:24 PM
 
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My co workers think Im nuts anyway so Im laaughing my ass off!
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-29-2008, 11:18 PM
don't read this
 
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I've read that before it's definitely a classic..



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"I don't like your jerk off name, I don't like your jerk off face, I don't like your jerk off behavior, and I don't like you...... jerk off!"
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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-01-2008, 02:18 AM
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Do it the asian way and clean your ass with water and then pat dry biotches....


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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 11:35 AM
 
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why not have my first post be a reply to this post. thats some good shit, no pun intended...
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 12:01 PM
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Try Waxing

Mucho Better!
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
The answer? Simple: 42
 
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I've waxed my head before, does that account for anything?
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 12:06 PM
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please tell me you're talking about the one on your shoulders
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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
The answer? Simple: 42
 
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Maybe....
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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 12:16 PM
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oh geez...
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 09:47 PM
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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-05-2008, 10:31 PM
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2008, 09:01 PM
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lol omgggggggg


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