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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 01:44 AM Thread Starter
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Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children:

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:

Test 1 - Preparation
-------------------
Women: To prepare for pregnancy -

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2.. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children -

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge
-------------------
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights
-------------------
To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOKING CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
-------------------
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars
-------------------
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk
-------------------
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
-------------------
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
-------------------
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2.. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
-------------------
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV
-------------------
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess
-------------------
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2.. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
-------------------
1. Make a recording of someone shouting ' Mum-my' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mum-my. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations
-------------------
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mum-my tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting Ready for Work
-------------------
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have children.


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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 02:14 AM
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that is so true .

David
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 04:00 AM
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rough day with the wee ones?

HAIL TO THE KING!!

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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 10:50 AM
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been there, doing that again...

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If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-13-2009, 04:19 PM
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me too, though not by choice this time.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-13-2009, 08:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whitebread View Post
me too, though not by choice this time.
that fucking blows.

I think men should have a veto right when it comes to pregnancy. Entirely too much "oooops, I must have forgot my pill." goes on.

HAIL TO THE KING!!

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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2009, 03:47 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whitebread View Post
me too, though not by choice this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Junior View Post
that fucking blows.

I think men should have a veto right when it comes to pregnancy. Entirely too much "oooops, I must have forgot my pill." goes on.
And goes the other way as well Junior.

Darling,. I promise I won't paint the tunnel


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ONCE YOU'VE HAD ASIAN, YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH CAUCASIAN
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OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2009, 03:58 AM
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In my case, my wife had been on the same pill for 3 years (since my son was born) with zero issues. We had one and we were done. I had a vasectomy scheduled to seal the deal. 1 week before getting snipped, "honey, guess what". No missed pills, no other signs of possible trouble. She wasn't real happy about it either, but it's not the end of the world.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2009, 07:55 PM
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there has to be a few lines about having multipule children and the fighting they do constantly. almost 4y/o girl and twin 2.5 y/o boys. God do they ever fight. When does it end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2009, 08:03 PM
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multiple children:

Take everything you have in the house and throw it on the floor and clean it up and repeat 3 times daily.

Your high end stereo system: break everybutton and dial

scratch every dvd you own.

pop off all the keys off your laptop computer and JUST TRY to put them back on(Im missing 3 keys!)

prepare your self to be asked why 100 times a day and even if you have the answer be prepared to be asked again immidatley.


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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-15-2009, 12:08 AM
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Multiple children are easy if you have them 13 years apart like I did. Now the older one watches her little sister when we want to get out..and all for the whopping price of FREE!

Quote:
If people don't regulate themselves, others will do it for them.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-15-2009, 03:05 AM
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Yes, but you'll spend at least 31 years with kids in the house.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-15-2009, 09:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beavisr1 View Post
multiple children:

Take everything you have in the house and throw it on the floor and clean it up and repeat 3 times daily.

Your high end stereo system: break everybutton and dial

scratch every dvd you own.

pop off all the keys off your laptop computer and JUST TRY to put them back on(Im missing 3 keys!)

prepare your self to be asked why 100 times a day and even if you have the answer be prepared to be asked again immidatley.
sounds like your kids need a little can of whoop ass



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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-15-2009, 10:44 AM
The answer? Simple: 42
 
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One and done.


Good stuff though.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-15-2009, 05:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whitebread View Post
Yes, but you'll spend at least 31 years with kids in the house.
True, but I'm big on family anyway. Not big like a dozen kids, but big like "Family time", and doing things together unlike the trend of all my oldest daughters friends. When she tells them she can't go somewhere or do something because she is spending time with the family they all think she's weird. Almost all of her fiends have no relationship with their parents and even less with their grand parents. She can tell me anything, and does. I don't have any secrets from my kids, and she has very little from me IDK I was raised to believe family is more important than anything else, and my two daughters will be raised the same. So 31 years of kids is fine by me. I think today's kids would be better for it if "family time" was participated in all families..



Hijack over. carry on!

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