new AMA regulations to require pillion mounted tech inspectors
Satire By Ohlin: New AMA Regulation To Require Pillion-Mounted Tech Inspector
'to hell with all you cheaters!'
by ohlin metzler
Thursday, June 01, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: The Shadeless Parking Assn. (800) HOT-SEAT
TOOUP, AL (VPI) Hey, are we in a police state yet? It's only a matter of time, I'm told, by sources who are regularly right about such things (although they do occasionally wear tinfoil helmets with carbon fiber propellers). The rationale goes that we need more eyes watching everyone because we are in constant peril, and hence we shall need to be far more regulated in our daily activities. There are evildoers about, as well as those that are not necessarily evil but play loose, fast, and downright irresponsibly with the Rules.
You know who I'm talkin' 'bout, too. All you Cheaters.
If we are to thwart all the Cheaters, we must take Steps, Measures and Names. We must make Bold Moves if we want to control the wild, lawless elements of our society, especially racers. Some of these cats are wily indeed, and will do things they shouldn't in an effort to win the big prizes. The Major Awards. The bodacious bonuses that some manufacturers award their winners.
Can you blame these Cheaters? I guess it depends on your personal value system. Of course, we got rid of that values crap back when we started putting steroids in our scrambled eggs and downloading music in pirate fashion. The bar of acceptable life strategies moves up and down quite a bit, especially when you're looking for a competitive advantage. "Good guys finish second," some say, "and second is for losers." So push the envelope until it pops like a tire after a 5-minute burnout, dude, for you only have one shot, and there's only one top spot on the podium.
So we know the motivation, but Cheaters never prosper, right? Ask the Enron execs. Sooner or later you will get caught, as eventually The Man cracks down on the rulebreakers. We are seeing this now in the AMA, with their bold statement about Traction Control that you no doubt read while visiting this wondrous cyberboutique. Sources tell me that's just the tip of the iceberg, too.
"This is just the tip of the ice cube, which used to be an iceberg but still has the bulk of its mass beneath the surface," claims a man who is not just a man, but a source. "We are about to see a major move in the quelling of the Cheaters. Racing, as we know it, will change."
Gentlemen, start your passenger pegs.
In a move that will no doubt be called "controversial," the AMA has decided to assign a tech inspector to each rider, and this official will ride along with the rider during qualifying and the race, perched on a passenger pillion. Said official will scrutinize rider control inputs, motorcycle response, and keep his/her/its eye out for things like traction control, course-cutting and illegal substance abuse.
Cheaters, beware. The Man is over your shoulder, on your ride and in your business. Think of this new appendage on your Superbike as a backpack from hell if you're a rule shirker, or a benevolent butt goiter if you are a righteous rider.
"Some riders will have a problem with having a 220-lb Tech Official on their bike initially, but hey, some had a real problem with liquid cooling when that showed up on the scene," comments Oop Blather, a former AMA groupie and new rule enthusiast that one paddock insider described as "a complete ass."
"Once the rider does a few laps he'll realize the tech guy is there to level the paying field for all, and if you're not breaking any rules you have nothing to worry about," spewed Oop.
Of course, some riders will no doubt say that this new weird-ass policy is just an overreaction to current events, and the powers that be are just making too big a deal about this whole traction control conundrum. Further, many Superbike pilots think the AMA should just make TC legal anyway instead of going two-up with some squirming, bloated official. They say things like the concept is "dangerous," "will ruin the sport," "would suck bigtime" and "what's a benevolent butt goiter, anyway?"
But unfortunately, some of the Deciders saw Randy Mamola dice around Laguna 2-up on the Ducati MotoGP bike last July and see no problem with an extra human on board. No amount of rider input seems to sway the opinions of the overlords, which is, sadly, the way of things in 2006.
"Cooler heads shall make the decisions, instead of the hot- headed riders," Oop Blather said just before I had him sprayed with bug killer. "I think this plan is so safe, there could be urine sampling during the race to expose these who would take controlled substances before competition. We must keep the sport clean."
Oh fine. He wants riders to pee in a cup on the front straight, and hand it to the clown on the back of his Superbike. What's next? Timing and Scoring in a sidecar?
Could be. Brace yourselves, amigos. It's going to be a bumpy, and heavily regulated, ride.